PATRICK SEASTAR
by amandavg1
Summary: This alternate universe explores Patrick as the main attraction in the series, along with his best friend SpongeBob, and all the other Bikini Bottom residents he comes into contact with.


_**PILOT EPISODE: "HELP WANTED"**_

 **ARE YOU READY KIDS?**

 **AYE, AYE CAPTIAN!**

 **I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**

 **AYE, AYE CAPTIAN!**

 **OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

 **WHO LIVES LIKE A BARNACLE UNDER THE SEA?**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **ABRASIVE, AND HAPPY, AND HELPFUL AS HE**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **IF WEIRD NONSENSE IS SOMETHING YOU WISH**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **READY?**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **PATRICK SEASTAR!**

 **PAAAAATRIIIIIICK SEAAAAAASTAAAAAR!**

 **[THE CAPTIAN LAUGHS.]**

 **[PATRICK IS PLAYING THE DRUMS.]**

The episode opens with a bubble transition, and we see a coral reef under the sea. The camera zooms to initiate parallax scrolling, which reveals the city of Bikini Bottom. It continues zooming to show a brown rock, a Moai head, and a pineapple, which each contain inhabitants.

 **French Narrator:** Ah, the sea... so fascinating. So wonderful. Here, we see Bikini Bottom, teeming with life.

[Shows from right to left Spongebob's, Squidward's, and Patrick's houses. Zooms in on Patrick's house]

 **French Narrator:** Home to one of my favorite creatures, Patrick Seastar. Yes, of course he lives under a rock, you silly.

[Patrick's alarm clock goes off and wakes up. He is affected by the ringing sound and screams. Falls out of bed and lands on his stomach, with the mattress on top of him. He pokes his head out, slowly looking around before removing the mattress off him.]

[Patrick stretches and yawns. He walks over and attempts to turn off the alarm clock. When it doesn't work, he starts hitting it hard with his fist.]

 **Patrick:** [Angry] Why won't you turn off?! Turn off you round, yellow, number, um… uh, ticking thing!

[The alarm clock won't turn off. Patrick grabs a heavy rock and throws it on top of the clock, smashing the night-side table as well.]

 **Patrick:** There. [Turns around] Um, wasn't there something I had to do today? Uhh… [stares off into space, with saliva drooling from his mouth.]

 **French Narrator:** Several Minutes later…

[Patrick snaps out of his daze, and snaps his fingers with a smile.]

 **Patrick:** Oh yeah! Today's the big day! I'm rea- [Looks down] Naked… [Faces the camera and his face turns red embarrassed, covering himself, walking away.]

[Patrick comes back, wearing his green shorts on, with purple flowers. Walks to his kitchen table made of sand and sits down. Grabs a carton of milk and a box of cereal.]

 **Patrick:** I have to be well fed for today!

[Opens the milk carton and cereal. Drinks and eats the cereal at the same time. He puts both of them down and burps very loud.]

 **Patrick:** Ahhh, that hit the jackpot. Now, I'm good to go!

[Patrick runs outside, laughing loudly, passing by Squidward's house, then SpongeBob's. We see s

SpongeBob standing outside his pineapple home.]

 **SpongeBob:** Yeah, woah! Go Patrick, go!

 **Patrick:** [Turns his head] Thanks Spon- [Trips over a rock and lands face first on the pavement.]

 **SpongeBob:** [Concerned] Are you alright, Patrick?

 **Patrick:** [Stands Up] Yeah! I'm good! [Continues to run.]

 **SpongeBob:** Go, Patrick!

[Patrick runs down the street to the Krusty Krab, and stands in front of it.]

 **Patrick:** [Puppy dog expression] Ah, there it is ol' boy! The Krusty Krab. The most uh… [thinks for a moment] greatest fast food restaurant, with um… what's that burger? Uh… oh yeah! [snaps his fingers] the Krabby Patty! Now what was I supposed to do here? Uh, it was something important… um…

 **French Narrator:** Several more minutes later…

 **Patrick** : [Looks at the sign and reads it] Help wa-nted… help wanted… HELP WANTED! The job opening! I'm asking for the job! I'm going to ask for- [his stomach begins to gurgle and farts] I.. can't do this…

[Patrick begins to run home but runs into SpongeBob.]

 **SpongeBob:** [Arms crossed] Where do you think you're going?

 **Patrick:** Um, I'm going to uh, triangle! Squidward's, jellyfishing, 37, yes, no, [starts to cry.]

 **SpongeBob:** [Slaps his face] Get a hold of yourself, Patrick! You are NOT going home! You are going to the Krusty Krab to get that job that I've helped you train for!

 **Patrick:** [Whimpers] I-I can't… I'm just not as good a fry cook as you… you should be the one getting the job…

 **SpongeBob:** Patrick, quit doubting yourself! This job means more to you than it does to me! [Chants in excitement] Now who can make a Krabby Patty all by himself?

 **Patrick:** [Sniffles]I can.

 **SpongeBob:** Who made a spatula out of gumballs in just 467 tries?!

 **Patrick:** [Growing excited] I did.

 **SpongeBob:** Who's um, uh [Couldn't think of anything else] … A pink seastar with green shorts?!

 **Patrick:** Um, uh.. [Deep thought.] Uh…. A jellyfish, no no, um-

 **SpongeBob:** That's you Patrick!

 **Patrick:** [Shakes his head] Oh yeah! I am!

 **SpongeBob:** Who's ready to get that job?!

 **Patrick:** I'm ready!

 **SpongeBob:** Who's ready?

 **Patrick:** You just said that.

[SpongeBob puts a hand on his face and sighs.]

 **SpongeBob:** Go get the job, Patrick! Go!

[Patrick turns around and runs to the Krusty Krab.]

 **Patrick:** [Turns his head around] Thanks SpongeBob!

 **SpongeBob:** Patrick, look out for the-

[Patrick runs into the Krusty Krab pole just a few feet away from the doors.]

 **SpongeBob:** Patrick! [Runs to him and helps him to his feet] Are you ok?

 **Patrick:** [A little dizzy] Yeah… I think so…

 **SpongeBob:** Let's take you inside and get you that job.

[Outside the Krusty Krab, Squidward is cleaning graffiti of himself with the word _LOSER,_ sees SpongeBob and Patrick and sighs.]

 **Squidward:** Oh no, SpongeBob and Patrick. What could they possibly want?

[Squidward looks at the _Help Wanted_ sign and runs inside.]

 **Squidward:** [Panicking] Mr. Krabs!

[Cuts to the ordering window, where Mr. Krabs is happily sniffing a handful of money. Squidward runs up to him.]

 **Squidward:** Hurry, Mr. Krabs, before it's too late, I gotta tell you- [Gets interrupted by Patrick.]

 **Patrick:** [Feeling better] Permission to come aboard, Captain Krabs, sir!

 **SpongeBob:** [Deep voice] Patrick's been training for years under my wing for the day he could join the Krusty Crew. [Normal] Now he's ready! Right, Patrick?

 **Patrick:** Right! When do I- [Takes a step and gets his foot stuck in a floor hole. When he struggles to pull it out, he flies backwards and hits the front wall. He falls off like a banana peel, and rolls to the feet of Mr. Krabs and Squidward, beside SpongeBob.] That was… awesome! Did you see that SpongeBob?

 **SpongeBob:** Um Patrick… [Points to Mr. Krabs and Squidward.]

 **Patrick:** [Looks at Mr. Krabs and Squidward. Stands up] Haha, oh right. When do I start, sir?

 **Mr. Krabs:** Well lad, it looks like you don't even have your sea legs.

 **Patrick:** Oh please, I want to get this job…and the hat! The glorious hat! [Rubs Squidward's hat] it's so shiny! Everyone keeps saying _You can't do anything, no you can't!_ I'll have a job to prove it! I can _be_ a frycook!

 **SpongeBob:** Oh don't worry Patrick, I'm sure Squidward will vouch for you! Won't you, Squidward?

 **Squidward:** [Takes a deep breath] No.

[Mr. Krabs winks. They head back to SpongeBob and Patrick after having a discussion.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** Well lad, well give you a test, and if you pass, you'll be on the Krusty Krew! Go out and fetch me…

 **SpongeBob:** I'll write this down, Patrick. [Gets a notepad and pencil.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** A, uh, hydrodynamic spatula... [SpongeBob quickly jots down what he says] with, um, port-and-starboard-attachments, [more scribbling] and, uh... turbo drive! [more scribbling] And don't come back till you get one! [Mr. Krabs puts a Krusty Krab crew hat on Patrick.]

[Patrick falls over. He tries to get up but he falls over again and again. Everyone looks at him confused.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** Uh… what's wrong with him?

 **SpongeBob:** [Helps Patrick stand up] What's wrong, Patrick?

 **Patrick:** W-when I get nervous, I sometimes forget how to stand… [Patrick falls over again.]

 **SpongeBob:** He's nervous. I'm sure he'll be fine, sir. [Helps Patrick stand up, again. He then reads what's on the notepad] One hydrodynamic spatula, with port-and-starboard attachments and turbo drive. I'll help Patrick get the spatula, sir!

 **Mr. Krabs:** Carry on!

[SpongeBob leaves, helping Patrick towards the front doors.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** We'll never see those two lubbers again.

 **Squidward:** You're terrible! A hydro-what?

[Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh. While Squidward laughs, his nose moves distinctly while he inhales and exhales. Krabs laugh sounds like a pirate.]

[As they laugh, SpongeBob is shown helping Patrick to leave the Krusty Krab. As SpongeBob and Patrick fades out of sight, five buses drive toward the Krusty Krab from the opposite direction.]

 **Bus Driver:** Hey! Hey! Please! Passengers are to stay seated and put their hands out the window!

[The buses surround the Krusty Krab and the doors open, Mr. Krabs stops laughing.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** That sounded like hatch doors! [sniffs repeatedly] Do you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells smelly. [bulgy eyes]

 **Squidward:** [Worried] What?

 **Mr. Krabs:** [Shouts] Anchovies!

[Anchovies get out of the buses and rush inside the Krusty Krab, crowding, repeating the word "meep" over and over again.]

 **Squidward:** Please, please, quiet! [anchovies stop talking] Is this any way to behave, hmmm?

 **Anchovy:** Meep!

 **Squidward:** Could we show a little decency and form a neat, single file line in front of the register?

[The anchovies are quiet at first, then pick up the boat, as their cries of "meep!" become more intense.]

[Cut to Barg'N-Mart as SpongeBob and Patrick enter.]

 **SpongeBob:** Barg'N-Mart, meeting all of your spatula needs. This is where we'll find that spatula, Patrick.

 **Patrick:** Oh boy!

[SpongeBob let's go of Patrick and he falls over, again.]

 **SpongeBob:** Sorry, buddy! [Helps him back up] Let's go find this spatula.

[They walk off.]

[Cuts to the Krusty Krab. Squidward and Mr. Krabs are still in the boat, and being tossed around.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** All hands on deck! Get your anchors out of your pants!

 **Squidward:** One single file line was all I asked!

 **Mr. Krabs:** Whoa! Batten down the hatches, Mr. Squidward! [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are thrown up in the air] Were taking on water, Mr. Squidward! [they get thrown back up again] I want my mommy, Mr Squidward!

[Cuts to the Barg'N-Mart. SpongeBob and Patrick find the spatula on the shelf.]

 **SpongeBob:** There it is, buddy. The spatula with port-and-starboard attachments. [Grabs it from the shelf] And it's the only one left in stock! Take it, Patrick, it's yours now. [Hands it to Patrick.]

 **Patrick:** I never felt so-so… powerful before. [Grips on the spatula, and doesn't fall over] Hey, I'm not falling over!

 **SpongeBob:** Congratulations! Let's get back to the Krusty Krab!

[Cuts to the Krusty Krab.]

Squidward: Help!

 **Mr. Krabs:** Man overboard! Climb, Mr. Squidward! Climb!

[They climb the mast, while the anchovies try to get them down. The anchovies then form a big wave.]

 **Anchovies:** Meep! Meep!

 **Mr. Krabs:** This is the end! Good-bye, Mr. Squidward!

Squidward: Oh Mr. Krabs!

[Patrick barges through the roof with SpongeBob.]

 **Patrick:** [Shouts] Permission to come aboard- [Looks at the anchovies and gets scared] I can't do this…

 **SpongeBob:** Of course you can, Patrick! You don't need me to train you anymore! Prove you're frycook material!

 **Patrick:** [Nods] You're right. I'm no chicken! [Shouts as he raises the spatula] Did someone order a spatula?!

 **Squidward and Mr. Krabs:** [stuttering while shocked at the SpongeBob getting the hydrodynamic spatula]

 **Patrick:** That's right! One hydrodynamic spatula with [two spatulas pop out on the sides of the previous one] port-and-starboard attachments, and let's not forget the turbo drive! [the two extending spatulas twirl around and smack Squidward and Mr. Krabs in the face.]

 **SpongeBob:** Would you believe they only had one in stock?! [Faces Patrick] To the kitchen, Patrick!

 **Patrick:** [Nods and goes to the kitchen] Who's hungry?

[Tiny Tim's Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight plays while SpongeBob serves up Krabby Patty after Krabby Patty. Many, many, many Krabby Patties are launched through the opening window to the hungry anchovies. Eventually, all of the anchovies are served and they leave on the buses. Cuts to later.]

 **Mr. Krabs:** That was the finest fast food manship I've ever seen, Mr. Seastar! Welcome aboard! [Mr. Krabs gives Patrick a name tag]

 **SpongeBob:** I knew you could do it, Patrick! You did it!

 **Squidward:** But, but Mr. Krabs…

 **Mr. Krabs:** Three cheers for Patrick! Hip-hip!

 **Squidward:** [weakly] Hooray, Mr.

 **Mr. Krabs:** Hip-hip!

 **Squidward:** [quickly] Hooray.

 **Mr. Krabs:** Hip-hip!

 **Squidward:** [quickly] Hooray. Mr. Krabs!

 **Mr. Krabs:** I'll be in my quarters, counting up the booty. [He wheels a wheelbarrow piled with an enormous stack of cash to his office.]

 **SpongeBob:** Now since that's taken care of… [Sings] Oh Squidward!

 **Squidward:** What would you like to order, SpongeBob?

 **SpongeBob:** One Krabby Patty, please.

[Patrick flies back to the kitchen using his spatula and a score of Krabby Patties is immediately fired through the servery, which collide with SpongeBob and send him flying out of the Krusty Krab.]

[Cuts to Krusty Krab exterior; crashing noises.]

 **SpongeBob:** Patrick! [screams]

 **Squidward** : Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [calmly and singing] Mr. Krabs, come see your new employee!


End file.
